I Got a Theory

[JULIA]
I got a theory
When you are from Lake Erie
You're better than the average Joe
[DONNY]
Though buried in snow
[JULIA]
It's time to let the whole world know
[DONNY]
I got a theory
[JULIA]
It takes a place this dreary
To give a guy the right amount
[DONNY]
Of drive to surmount
[JULIA]
It's time to tell the world we count
[DONNY, spoken]
I think we're onto something here
[JULIA]
Yeah, keep writing. With this one, we might get more gigs than we need.
[ENSEMBLE]
I got a theory
When you are from Lake Erie
You're better than the average Joe
Though buried in snow
It's time to let the whole world know
[DONNY]
I got a theory
It takes a place this dreary
To give a guy the right amount
Of drive to surmount
It's time to tell the world we count
[ENSEMBLE]
Then he struck it
With standardized oil
It gives us our aroma!
[OLIVER, spoken]
Getting ready for the big trip next month?
[DONNY, spoken]
Oh, NBC's sending us on the Cleveland Limited. Pull- man Cars.
[OLIVER, spoken]
Jeez, how ‘bout that. That must be costing them a fortune.
[DONNY, spoken]
It's the least they could do.
[OLIVER, spoken]
That's good to hear. Say, I had a band cancel on me, so can I book you guys again for tomorrow night? I know it's last minute, and you'd be saving my butt, so how ‘bout I toss in an extra fifty.
[DONNY, spoken]
Guys?
[OLIVER, spoken]
I'm really in a bind - make it an extra seventy-five.
[DONNY, spoken]
I suppose we could –
[OLIVER, spoken]
You drive a hard bargain, kid. Hundred extra, that's the best I can do. Help a guy out.
[DONNY, spoken]
Sure thing. We can do that for you, Oliver. Tomorrow night.
[OLIVER, spoken]
Swell. Break a leg tonight.
[DONNY, spoken]
Johnny, what's that bring the total to?
[JOHNNY, spoken]
Nine-hundred and thirty-six dollars and seventy-eight cents.
[WAYNE, spoken]
How do you do that?
[JOHNNY, spoken]
I have no idea.
[JOHNNY, WAYNE, DAVY, & NICK]
In the movies would make such a mark?
[JEAN ANN, spoken]
Cleveland's creme de la creme taking New York by storm in just three weeks!
[OLIVER, spoken]
Jo? It's Oliver. I need your help with something. It's about the Donny Nova Band.
[JO, spoken]
Al? It's Jo. Oliver called. Now don't give me any of your crap, you're gonna help me out with the Donny Nova Band.
[ENSEMBLE]
I got a theory
That people from Lake Erie
Have plenty more to brag about
There's talent no doubt
It's time to let the secret out
[DAVY, spoken]
You just sang a very good set, my dear. Hey, buddy? A whiskey.
[WAITER, spoken]
Coming right up, Mr. Zlatic.
[JULIA, spoken]
Ever thought of giving up the bottle?
[DAVY, spoken]
Nope.
[JULIA, spoken]
Come on, just for a week. What do you say?
[DAVY, spoken]
Julia, I know there isn't enough whiskey in the world to wash away what I saw in those camps, I owe it to myself to try. “Let that suffice, most forcible Feeble.”
[THE BAND & CLUB PATRONS]
I got a theory
We get a little weary
Of people dumping on this town
It's true that the
[DONNY]
Winters are endless
[JULIA]
The lake is polluted
[DONNY]
The ball team is losing
[JULIA]
The sewers exploded
[DONNY]
The mob is returning
[THE BAND]
The river's on fire again!
[THE BAND & CLUB PATRONS]
But nothing's gonna keep us down
[JULIA]
They got their fancy accents
On the east side of Manhattan
[ENSEMBLE MEN]
But we ain't met a vowel we couldn't
Find a way to flatten
[DONNY]
The Vanderbilts may summer
At the spa in Saratoga
[ENSEMBLE WOMEN]
But nothing beats the waters
Of the flaming Cuyahoga
[COMPANY]
I got a theory
If God above can hear he
Is swingin' to these tunes of ours
Break out the cigars
‘cause Cleveland's got some
Brand new stars
[JOHNNY, spoken]
We love you, Cleveland!
[COMPANY]
Yeah!